A Weekend of A Marine Layer Fog of Mothering with One Breakthrough of A Clear Sunny State of Mind

Written by Lee

I realize that I spend too much of my mothering days in a haze. A brain fog. A preoccupied state of mind with zillions of lists and to-dos racing through my head. A step away. An inability to live in the moment. With a look in my eyes and a smile on my face that may seem a tad distant.

Am I here?

Can anyone really grasp me as I fluctuate between guiding and ordering and forcing and bribing and smiling and yelling and crying and folding and cleaning and moving? Always moving.

There’s no stillness in this gig of motherhood. Except maybe, just maybe, in the middle of a dark night when I’m sitting in my rocker with my 2-year-old dude in my lap while the moonlight streams in around the edges of the shades. And the slow creak of the rocker that has glided and rocked all of my babies for the last seven years seeps into my thick skull and lulls me into the moment. Finally.

Finally.

Maybe that’s why I’m still waking up at least once a night with one of my kids. And deep down maybe I’m not that bummed about it. I’m okay with three-thirty AM. Only there is where I find the stillness and when I feel the quiet.

Moments of this weekend challenged my mama soul to the core. Defiance. Disobedience. Irreverence. Attitude. Sending me into my worst state of mamadom. That blood-boiling point where I feel raw with every nerve exposed and any minor thing makes my voice sound like a shriek no matter what I say. A squeal of laughter only sounds like a scream. Each voice yelling “MAAAAA…..MAAAAAA” sends me into a tirade. The stuff left to do crushes me and I stand pissed off at the kitchen sink mumbling under my breath about how damn annoying this mama gig can be.

And the haze thickens. That marine layer fog in my brain drifts in and hovers. And I am gone.

Am I here?

But as the weekend winds to a close and my three spirited souls are now simply my sleeping beauties and my boiling blood has started to simmer down and I’m able to take a few deep breaths and the tightness in my heart relaxes and the good vibes start to circulate once again, my mind decides to go to the sunniest part of our time together where clarity and calm and fun and love and just us broke through the haze and warmed my soul…..

A couple hours spent on the sidewalk with our hearts and eyes wide open and clearly able to see the stuff that truly sustains us through the blurry times.

Here’s a glimpse of that sunny sky time. Phoebe’s first day riding her bike SANS training wheels. Taken with our new gadget of a video camera that my gadget-obsessed husband bought for us.

Here’s to sunny skies!!!!
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