My Boy

We had been living in limbo for too long it seemed. It was late Spring 2006 and our second-born, our Phoebes, was going to turn 2 in July. The last two years had been the hardest we had ever lived as a couple. The foundation we had started building together since the oh so young age of 23 had crumbled beneath our hearts. It shook us to the core and left us dazed as we stood looking at images in our mirrors that no longer resembled our former selves.

When I look back at it now, I am amazed at how lost we were. How lost I was. How I literally lost myself to motherhood. And not only in the way that we all lose ourselves to motherhood. Not because I no longer had time for pedicures or movie nights or reading or jogging or hardly anything I had used to like to do….but because I had lost my identity. The thing I had unknowingly clung to for so long. The definition of me that I had believed was true. The picture of a life that represented everything I truly was. Or so I thought.

I was empty during that time, I think. I was moving through each day and talking and making dinner and diapering two little girls and sometime I even laughed and smiled, but I was empty inside. Maybe I was grieving the loss. The loss of me. The loss of us. The loss of my dreams. But deep within, I knew there were answers waiting somewhere in the emptiness. I just had no idea when those answers would emerge.

On that late Spring day, as the music blared in my ears, and I watched my feet hit the pavement, I turned it over and over in my head and my heart. Did I really want another baby? We had worked our way back from the darkest depths of us – we had worked to see each other with new eyes – we had come to the conclusion, as we have always done, that we could do this. As long as we were together, we could do anything.

But we were simply stuck on this decision for a third baby. Two babies had changed it all, I thought, and in most every way, these girls were all we needed. We were a family. We loved these joy lights of love more than anything and anyone we ever thought we could. Why would we try for another? Somewhere within I felt a tinge of excitement when I thought about having a third. In a way, three just seemed more ideal than two. For us. But why? There really was no logical explanation for the why.

And as I moved through life on that Spring run, my brain went to what it often goes to if I feel stuck in a major decision. But something I had not allowed myself to consider when it came to another baby. Maybe it was because the earthquake of becoming a mother had buried this truth too deep within. And I needed to do some more shifting and searching to unearth it. It’s something I learned many years ago during a spiritual lecture series that had been given at my church. I had sat there in my early 20’s with the weight of the world on my shoulders, I had thought then, and the speaker said,

“In most decisions in life, it almost always comes down to two choices – a choice based on faith and a choice based on fear. And fear is a dead end street. Fear prevents you from moving forward. Faith steers you towards so many more possibilities.”

As I ran, those wise words floated to the surface of my soul so I could grasp them once again. I realized that although I was so afraid that another child would make me feel lost again, for some reason on that day, I let my brain and my heart go the way of faith. The faith route. I had realized that I was stuck in fear on this thought of having another baby. And that was the sole reason we were not moving forward.

Fear basically prevents life from happening.

I remembering smiling as the music played, feeling lighter, as I ran my familiar neighborhood route, and when I rounded a corner on the top of a hill with the city sprawled below me with life bustling and buzzing and moving, I had made my decision.

Yeah, the faithful one.

And today he’s turning three.

Thank God for faith.

Happy Birthday my boy.  I’m crazy about you.

Tommy and the Beach Feb 2010

••••••••••••••

“Conversations with my Kid” is taking a birthday break today.  Have an awesome weekend!

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21 Responses to “My Boy”

  1. Jo says:

    Happy Day, little guy!

  2. Jen says:

    Loved this post.

    And my babies turn 3 tomorrow. Who knew we had kids so close together. 🙂

  3. Ash says:

    Happiest of happy birthdays sweet sunshine man.

    Faith? Hmmm. Maybe I should give that a try 😉

    (for other things, most definitely not another baby!)

  4. swirl girl says:

    Oh! Happy Day little man!

  5. Sarah says:

    Lee this is soooooo fabulous. And though I DO have three kids now, I’m back in that same position of wondering about another baby.

    And I feel the same exact way about decisions. Those based on fear are dead ends–lost decisions that are really quite naive or wimpy.

    Love this post. Love love!!!

  6. Amy says:

    Ohhhhhh – love this post – and love that little train lovin’ boy!!!!

    Happy Birthday Tommy!! Sorry we didn’t call. Hope the party went well on Saturday too. We were thinking about you all.

    There is lots of celebrating to be done.

    XO

  7. Oh my goodness I love this post!! I bet your #3 is the sweetest boy ever. I hope he had a great birthday (I share his day!)

  8. samara says:

    I love this and am so glad you took that leap of faith. He’s a beautiful boy. Happy Birthday Tommy!

  9. I was right there with you on the hard girl part! But then you went and had a sweet cute little boy. Happy birthday! Good choice.

  10. Dude. I love this post. Your beautiful faithful heart and your beautiful boy. And I needed this today. I really needed it, and I thank you, friend.

  11. Karen says:

    When have we ever been disappointed when we choose faith? No matter where it steers us, at least we are still moving, changing, growing, LIVING….

    I love you Lee and I love your choice. Such a sweetie – happy b-day Tommy.

  12. Happy Birthday Tommy! Did Mom buy you some Zhu Zhu pets? LOL – I should get the kid one:)

  13. Catherine says:

    What a cutie pie. I hope his birthday was perfect!

  14. oh, Lee. This is such gorgeous writing and such a powerful, moving story. I love the idea of the earthquake and the shifting inside in order to unearth what’s buried within.

    That boy of yours is such a doll. I want to fly out to see you and give him a squeeze in person. 🙂

    xo elizabeth

  15. Michelle says:

    Great post! Happy birthday to your boy.

  16. This really resonates with me. Adding it to my Friday Links next week.

    • Lee says:

      Hey there! How are you? That’s awesome. Love happy links. I think deciding on whether or not to have more babies these days is something a lot of us have struggled with – especially here in LA, right? I never thought I could have handled being a mama of THREE – but I am. And I’m handling it. Kind of. 🙂 But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Of course. When my husband and I spoke about it we said, “We might regret NOT having another kid, but we know we would NEVER regret having one.” And that’s the truth.

      Hope to meet up with you sometime!

      Lee

  17. Annie says:

    Loved this post…
    Love your blog…
    You have a new reader…thank you!

    • Lee says:

      Thank you so much for the kind comment. I’m in my lazy summer blogging mode so I have not been doing much writing. Living a little more in 3-D. 🙂 But I’ve been around
      and will continue to write. It’s good for this mama’s soul. Thanks for cruising by and I’m gonna check you out too!

      Happy Friday!

      Lee

  18. Kristen says:

    This is a heart-stoppingly beautiful post, Lee! Love it. Thanks for inspiring me to faith today.

    • Lee says:

      Hey Kristen – thanks for coming by my lil’ world over here. And thanks for the kind words. Hope to see you soon.
      Lee

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